Sorry to everybody reading my blog articles and hasn’t heard from me in awhile. This piece of writing was the most difficult one to elaborate. It was like refreshing unhealing wounds, but I overcame and tough it up.

It was the month of July 2006, everything seemed to go normal like any other time of year, I was still eating pureed food and thick liquids, trying to learn and improve my English skills, and playing with my computer. The first week of the month passed by, the second began without novelty, except my sister hadn’t visit me for over a week now, and she never do that since I was in Healdsburg. So I started to get worry, but as it was only over a week, I thought, she might have more important things to take care of; as long as they’re okay, I’m okay.  I left time to continue its course and days go on, but the second week of July reached to its end without a word from my sister or any member of my family. My worries started to grow more and more, but I swallow and kept it to myself. The third week of the month was on, no news yet, I asked to myself what could be wrong, if someone be ill, or anything, only God knew. It was the 22nd already, the month was starting to fade away, the following day was going to be my birthday, a big day for me, because I actually could taste and have a slice of cake, which a very dear and lovely nurse to me, everybody and each one of them occupied a special place in my heart, she offered to bring me a cake, so I knew I was going to have one. I was hoping that my family wouldn’t miss my birthday, and they didn’t. In fact, each one of them show up, my sister, her husband, their sons and daughter, and one of my brothers, the youngest of the family.  I was in the activities room playing with my computer as usual listening to music.  Suddenly, they step into the room, but as soon as I saw them I knew something was terribly wrong, because some of them were wearing dark glasses. My heart started beating faster and faster, and they hadn’t tell me anything yet, but my sister as she were approaching me, asked her daughter to shut off the music. She grabbed my shoulder, my hands were sweating, she bend down and gave me the hardest news one and every person in the world could get. She said, our mother passed away two weeks ago, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, my heart broke and I felt that now definitely the little, mediocre life I had left. Finish right there in that very moment. They took me out to get air and because I was crying out loud like a sick baby, everybody tries to calm him down, but he can’t because he’s hurting, hurting badly. My sister sobbing told me little brother, I wouldn’t tell you, don’t cry, because that it is impossible thing to do, cry my dear brother cry, unburden yourself. After while, she spoke again and said, our mother used to say, you were her favorite son, her spoiled child. She love you so much boy, she loved everybody, but you were the special son. Her last words were address to you, she said that, please for the love of God, do not stop fighting for your life. She said, she’ll be witnessing and cheering all your accomplishments, please dear little brother don’t give up, keep going, do it for her. You know what? My sister kept talking, she told me two things my mother said before leaving. She never loss faith about you going back to our village again, and she always said that she would interchange her life for yours.  Oh my beloved God! I couldn’t stop sobbing, feeling so rip apart from my insides, and my poor insignificant life turned empty.

They brought me back inside after while, it was my birthday after all, what  a sorrowful day. I spent the night, days thinking what I did wrong? I know, I wasn’t a “White Dove”, but I was not an evil person. So, I kept wondering to myself, why? one and once again, no answer. I really thought many times after that to give up, to just drop the towel and leave myself die, but my biggest hold was, it is, and will be, my beloved family. I cannot stand to see them suffer for me, my heart is not that hard, I’m a chicken for God’s sake! If I let myself die and stop giving pity, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea, I’m almost there anyways, I’m a useless person. However, death wouldn’t get to me instantly as I wanted to, only God knows how long I would last lay down there in bed waiting to stop breathing, one day, one month, one year?   Whereas, my sister, the rest of my family would be here suffering, watching me, witnessing how day by day death gets closer and closer, how I’m getting weaker and weaker, and they wouldn’t be able to help me, because it was what I want, my decision.   And so, my mind, my feelings were all bundle up against each other. Finally after so much thought, I said, mother I’m going to do it for you. I’m not going to cry any more, because I know you’re in a better place, over there in heaven closer to God, were you’ll be eternally happy. Right here in the world you suffered way too much, sorry mommi, I may had cause you the greatest pain watching me there confine to a hospital bed, all helpless depending on everybody to take care of me, forgive me dear mother, forgive me. I will stop with my stupid thoughts and confront my reality, this cruel tragedy. I will always miss you mom, but you’ll be always alive here in my heart, when this sore little heart stop beating, then we both will die. From that moment on, my way to see my surroundings, life in general, changed dramatically. My feelings, my heart turned hard, very difficult to get hurt, to cry, “No” it’s not that I don’t feel any more, it’s just different, very different. It’s like if my whole insides were taken out and replaced, something weird, beyond my understanding……

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